Growing Up...

I don’t really know when it started. We had always had phases. Phases where I got in moods a lot, over pointless, meaningless little things. You know how women do. It just seemed like he wasn’t into pleasing me and making the effort as much as he did. What i was used to. What i loved about him. He had started to change. His friends had noticed it too. Just being more, I don’t know how to put this, not moody exactly, just not as fun as he used to be. And then it happened...

It was strange to use those terms, even though we had already been acting that way for so long. He was everything you could ask for and more. Always trying to treat me, apologising when he didn’t need to, when i was in the wrong. For those months before we got together he had wanted me so bad, he cared about the other guy but never showed me as he didn’t want to lose me. Obviously we had our ups and downs, what couples don’t but we were perfect. Not in the ‘we love exactly the same things’ way but we grew to love what the other did. We went to prom together – the whole shabaz. We had the kind of relationship that you could sit for hours in complete silence and not feel awkward. Not feel the need to try and fill it with some meaningless jibber jabber.

These few months were a bit of a blur. All you need to know is that I started kind of seeing another boy, known to his friends as fish, god knows why. Nothing heavy just went to the cinema a few times. I was still seeing beach guy too. This posed a slight problem. I didn’t want to lose either of them but i knew that i had to make a choice. Each knew about the other but it wasn’t fair to them. Beach guy for their first. I suppose i always knew that i would choose him in the end. Not just for the fact that my friends were his friends and that it was just easier that way. But i guess i always knew that, in the end, it would be him. So we started dating.

Oh that fateful day at the beach. We met again. This time we spoke a lot more. It was nice. Just plain nice. It just worked; we fitted like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. There was just one thing standing in the way – the boyfriend. It’s not like I didn’t love him anymore. I did. I just...I suppose i was young. Now coming up to my last year of high school. I didn’t want to be tied down in the relationship with the older boy. I was bored perhaps. The day at the beach decided it for me. How could I carry on with him if i was having feelings for someone else? When I returned from the beach I tried to end it but just couldn’t so just went on a break. I was too attached. But everyone knows what a break means. I carried on seeing him for a few weeks but he eventually put a stop to it. I think deep down he knew that i wasn’t going to go back to him. I was being selfish. Wanting him and the other. Not thinking about the pain i was causing him. I wish i knew then what i knew now. It just wasn’t fair. Back to the beach guy. I was still ‘messing around’ with him as he called it. I didn’t, still don’t, like to say messing around. It was more than that, much more.

I suppose I’ve cried over boys before but always alone, by myself. I don’t like showing my emotions to others – it’s just not me. This one is different. The moment we started talking there was something there. The day he had a party round his. I’d never spoke to him but my friend wanted to go so I just tagged along, harmless really. Spoke a bit, ended up sitting holding hands, but then he had to go do something and ended up with the friend I had arrived with. This didn’t matter though I was taken, spoken for. Just need to get across the whole there was always something there thing. Then, a few weeks had gone by, he never really crossed my mind, but my relationship was getting tiresome, spark just wasn’t there anymore.

I think I finally understand what it means. What it feels like. Just to know that you’re not going to have that moment with that person again. And not for some easy reason like they have died, that they wanted to be with you but can’t. But because they plain and simple don’t want to be there, with you, anymore.

Back to the beginning.

Boxing day...what's the point? Unless you have a close famiy who all get together all you do is sit there watching a movie.BORING! I want to go out and have some fun but most places will be closed. x

Sitting here...trying to do some a level psychology. and failing miserably! a levels are so much work. i hate hate hate it! well actually i like art but that's about it. anyone else finding out that the same thing. Too much work. and i need money but when am i going to have time to earn money and do school work. cor!!

everchanging xoxo

It was my birthday last saturday and all my friends through me a surprise party. Yay me!! boyfriend kind of ruined it though by hinting, o well hay was an amazing night

xx